A little life, not a little loss

the following is taken directly from a post I made this morning on a parenting forum. it is full of acronyms

After dealing with 6 years of infertility, a year of unsuccessful colmid, five failed attempts at iui. Than a cancer battle with 6 months of chemo. We were surprised and delighted to find out we were pregnant. I never wanted dd to be called a miracle. She was very special but for some reason "miracle" didn't feel right. Dd was born august 2009

I couldn't wait to start ttc again. We started ttc in august 2010. I wanted to be pregnant asap. With each month that past I was getting more upset worrying dd was a fluke and we would need to go back to the fs.

In march I had an unusual heavy af. Than the next week I developed heaps of bruises. I had over 35 bruisers by a week later when I saw my hematologist/oncologist for routine bloods to check on remission status. My platelets were very low. We were afraid my cancer was back. Four days later I had a pet scan and bone marrow. I was 9dpo that day so I needed a blood test to check pregnancy before they did the pet scan. Was negative.
3 days later we were relived to find out I had itp an auto immune disorder that kills my platelets. At that time I was hours away from hospitalization and transfusions.
4 days later I was 2 days late for af. Took a hpt and was shocked to get a bfp!

We were so excited! We didn't really ttc that month because what was going on. We were so surprised and looking forward to bub coming. This baby felt like a miracle!

Everything was fine

Last Saturday I had a dating scan. Bub was measuring at 5w5d instead if 7w6d I was gutted. I was hoping for the best but knew my dates were correct because I record everything. I knew bub was gone. As much as I was hoping I was wrong I just wanted the mc to happen I couldn't handle the uncertainty

On Tuesday I took scans to gp and she sent for bloods for that day and Thursday to see if my levels were rising.

On Wednesday I started spotting.

Yesterday was still spotting but was hoping it was ok. Thinking positive for the blood results. Around 5pm I got the blood results that my levels were on the way down.

Last night I started mc bub. Am still mc this morning. I was in shock I didn't realized it would be so physical. I didn't realize I'd feel my uterus shrink back down and empty out. I didn't know there would be so much ..... It's devastated me.

I thought after infertility I wouldn't have a mc that would be unfair. I thought my only struggle was getting pregnant.

I want this to be over already

I want to ttc again and be pregnant again

I'm worried will I get a bfp again??

When will I get another bfp???

I know in my heart bub was a boy. I feel it deep in my soul for certain he was a boy

I know I'll have bub in my heart forever. A part of my soul left with him last night. He was my miracle. I look forward to meeting him one day

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