inFertility speaks

i watched this episode of oprah yesterday about women in their 30s
one of the women Jenna was struggling with infertility and my heart just went out to her it was like she was me and it was me on the couch talking to oprah
she starts of saying how she had built a dream of what her 30s was going to be like, 2 children with one on the way, (mine was 3 if not 4 with more on the way)
soon after the wedding she started trying to get pregnant ( we went of the pill 3 months after we got married)
she went to a fertility specialist and was but on clomdid (as was i)
all her friends and family started having children ( i have now over 20 ppl around me who have had children since i have started trying and thats not counting the new siblings at work!)
she states "Every day, as often as they think about their own children, is as often i think about the ones i should have" (that was like she had pulled a deep secret form inside me to the surface)
she says everywhere she looks she is reminded about the choices she has made with children in mind ( im sick, im tired, im exhausted of thinking "when we have kids.....")
after months on the colmid she was put onto IVF (in-vitro infertilistaion, we use IUI (interuninary insemination)
daly injections are part of her routine with every shot comes a dose of hope "this could be the shot that creates that baby for us" ( i think this too, and when im in the chair for the insemination and it creeps into my mind EVERYTIME we have sex, as much as i dont want it to)
after 3 years jenna got pregnant but miscarried at 11 weeks ( we have now being trying for 6 years, my birthday is the anniversary of going of the pill and "trying" hence why i hate my birthday now, its a reminded of no baby, and im terrified of falling pregnant but to have it taken away from me through miscarriage since PCOS has an increase of miscarriages)
jenna mentions a lot about infertility is about waiting, waiting for the next cycle, waiting for enough money, waiting for test results ( i feel all i do is wait!)
in her email to oprah she wrote "infertility for many women like myself is a daily reminded that i am a women who can not perform the very function that is a women, it is a bruise on the soul always tender, painful and much deeper then the discolouration of disappointment" she says she feels shame because she is a women and should be able to bear children and she can not do that unless there is an army of people in the room with her putting embryos inside of her she says "im in my 30's and the women around me are having babies and living their lives i feel stuck, i feel like i am in a place where i cant move on until i have closure" ( i feel like my life has stop, at a standstill, and my closure will be a pregnancy, a baby in my arms)
opah mentions that jenea has probably heard all the stories like ppl trying to get pregnant for yeas, adopt then miraculously fall pregnant. jenna says this is the hardest statement to hear, thats why there is shame,
she dosnt want to hear what she "should do" like "go on vacation" "stop thinking about it" "dont worry it will happen" "your young you have plenty of time" "stop trying" (these are the most painful and insensitive things to hear, i dont want to hear about ppls success stories, and advice especially from ppl who have not gone through infertility!, we have tried all these "curers" and it is the hardest thing in the world "to stop thinking about it" when all you crave is a pregnancy that leads to a baby)
oprah ask "can you hear it may not happen?, can you be at peace with that?" she says "not yet, not yet , my life is about children, im a teacher, my life goal is to have kids, to watch them grow, to be a part of that, for me to be able to let that go im not ready for that, my own biological children i may be able to let go at some point, but we will adopt, i can not let go of not being a mum" (it was like she was pulling words out of my head, im not ready to let go at all, not even biological children yet, children are in my life, im a teacher and if i was to let go of the hope of children for me and being a mum i think i would need to get a new profession, teaching would be unbearable if i was to remain childless for ever, teaching could never replace my own children)
this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. every day i think about when i will have children, and it is soo hard shopping walking past pregnant women and prams and baby shops. i tried not to be bitter but sometimes i cant help it. when i first started trying i would go into all the baby stores and pick out the cots, prams, cloths, car seats ect, when i was frist diagnosed with infertiliy i couldnt even walk past those shops for years or even look at baby catalogues then i go and do something i know would hurt me but i havnt given up hope so i got in to baby toys r us and walk around the baby section touching the cots and change tables, prams, ect and even pick up a complete catolouge on my way out and hide it in my dresser draw to look at it every once in a while. i dont know why i do this to myself when i know it will just hurt me, but i know if ididnt i would have given up hope of ever having that baby.