Week 10

so i went and brought up the duff by kaz cooke and have been reading it every week to "monitor" bub D's progress for those who dont know its a pregnancy book written by a aussie chick who was fed up with all the conflicting and confusing and un-relatable information she was reading in other pregnancy books whilst pregnant with her first baby, so she combined useful and truthful information she gathered from books, internet, mothers, doctors, midwives and put in a real aus girl guide to pregnancy 

its set out with a week by week whats going on with you and the baby's development, a week by week dairy written with a as "hermoine" which is a dairy based on her experiences and stories from others.

so last night i was reading hermione's weeks nine and ten diary and found myself laughing out loud in true sense not a lol sense! so here is an extract

week 9

when she is booking into the hospital she plans to deliver her baby ".....the hospital has a lot of patients who believe in circumcision their boy children before they are old enough to have an anesthetic. if i have a boy, i might have to write "no circumcision" on his forehead until i leave ....."

".....the list of things were instructed to bring to the hospital on the baby's birth day is more mystifying the longer i look at it. "underclothes including underpants and maternity bras: well, what other kinds of underclothes are there? do people usually take flounced petticoats and lace teddies? "one or two packets of nursing pads" oh dear. not a clue what they are. 

then theres a whole list of baby stuff they want you to bring, for which well need to borrow a road train. "four bunny-rugs" four? whats going to happen with the other three? does baby shred them during tantrums? do they all go on at once? how cold can the kid get? what exactly constitutes the bunnies of a rug? "baby hat, and bootees or socks, and mittens(optional)" well, im glad its all optional. because it hadnt previously occurred to me that a person less than a week old should have a hat and gloves. stockings, maybe. but lets not go overboard. the kid can develop its own sense of elegant matching accessories when it leaves home and can afford to buy its own forma wear 

further suggestions include "essential oils, glucose lollies, large t-shirt, or old nightie, socks, toiletries, book or magazine ect., t-shirts and shorts or swimwear for partner if desired" i have never imagined labour as a scenario in which i am lying back reading while hubby does a few laps. its all very confusing. and at what exact point during labour would one read a book? "the babys head is crowning!" "dont bother me now, Mr Darcy's just going for a swim in the pond"......."

week 10

at the first ultrasound "......"look its waving" the doctor says pointing out a head, arms, and legs. the head seams to turn towars us, like something out of an alien movie.

"oh fuck, thats too weird" i say and nobody answers.

it occurs to me youre not supposed to say fuck during an ultrasound. repeat after me: mumies ought not to say fuck. sigh. so much to learn..........."

"............doctor says everything is normal. normal? i want to sneer. ive spent my whole life running away from normal. i dont DO normal, i want to be interesting i want... okay itd kind of reasuring that everythings normal. ill admit it. you dont want the doctor to say "what the...?, that cant be?...or holy catfish! ive never seen that before, do you mind if i call some friends to come over and have a look?"......"

ill keep posting the funnies 

cheers lis